Fair New World

9,000 Words of Glorious Hate [Andrew Sullyvan]

2009-06-30T18:33:00.001-07:00

My esteemed colleague, Todd Purdum of the ever-relevant Vanity Fair, has a wonderful 9,000-word piece on the woman all thinking people like us hate without thought. Yes, that horrible, unnameable governor of Alaska.

Of course, there’s nothing new here — just the same smears regurgitated ad nauseum. But so what? Like heroin, you can never get too much.

Too bad, though, that there was no dirt on Trig.

Perhaps next time.

Cheers!

The Worst Neighbor in the World [Keith Ölbermensch]

2009-06-30T18:32:00.002-07:00

Just when we here in America are properly ratcheting up taxes, what do our so-called friends up north in Canada do?

They insidiously lower theirs.

Canada is quietly and dramatically lowering corporate tax rates, in a diabolical plan to attract American businesses. And it’s already working.

How dare you, Canada!

How dare you not destroy your businesses and economic activity the way we are. And how dare you offer our plunderers and evildoers a way out.

I demand an apology from the entire country.

On my show.

A Brave Stand [Rachel Meow]

2009-06-30T18:32:00.001-07:00

A woman after my own heart, California Speaker of the Assembly Karen Bass, yesterday bravely spoke out against the evil free-speech terrorists:

“The Republicans were essentially threatened and terrorized against voting for revenue. Now [some] are facing recalls. They operate under a terrorist threat: ‘You vote for revenue and your career is over.’ I don’t know why we allow that kind of terrorism to exist. I guess it’s about free speech, but it’s extremely unfair.”

Don’t worry, Karen, this type of “terrorism” will surely diminish in the coming years.

That is, if we have anything to say about it.

Payback is Sweet [Arianna Haughtington]

2009-06-29T18:36:00.001-07:00

Last year during the Democratic primaries, South Carolina Rep. James Clyburn surprisingly endorsed Barack Obama in his state’s primary — spurning his longtime friendship with Clintons.

Of course, he did this solely because he believed in the boldness of Obama’s vision.

The fact that his daughter was just nominated to become a member of the FCC is completely unrelated.

Now, if I only Obama would give my children some sinecures unrelated to my support.

The Worst Left-Wing Site in the World [Keith Ölbermensch]

2009-06-27T13:10:00.000-07:00

Unbelievably, some dupes at the Daily Kos have had the temerity to attack me. Yes, me — their god!

And why? Just because I’ve been punching the reactionaries and revanchists a little below the belt. Okay, maybe way under the belt.

But don’t these little punks understand this is war? We can take no prisoners. We have to destroy the Right — even if it means destroying their wives and children.

Even if it means lying and smearing.

And there’s no room for divisiveness among us!

We are all one. One mind. One thought. One voice. And that voice is mine.

So, shut up and do what I say!

Oh, and please watch my show.

Mob Rules [Kathleen Parka]

2009-06-26T18:03:00.001-07:00

House Judiciary Committee Chairman John Conyers has decided not to pursue his investigation of ACORN — backing off from holding hearings relating to accusations of voter fraud and racketeering.

This is the same John Conyers who’s wife just pleaded guilty to conspiring to commit bribery.

Not that I’m saying there’s a connection — but when you mess around, you mess around.

Let this be a lesson to anyone who gets in our way. Just shut up and obey, and you’ll be fine.

And while you’re doing that, please take note that my latest book is still on sale at Amazon and at other fine booksellers.

Can’t We Just Get Along? [David Shyster]

2009-06-25T18:50:00.002-07:00

Reports are circulating that Democratic representatives David Obey and Maxine Waters got into a physical altercation over graft that Rep. Waters wanted paid to an employment center bearing her name.

Come on, people — behave.

There’s plenty of moola to go around. All we gotta do is print some more. Or borrow it.

Or steal some from rich people.

Love [Maureen Dowager]

2009-06-25T18:50:00.001-07:00

It’s just so amazing to have a leader whom the world loves.

Sure, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad lashed out at Obama, calling him another Bush and saying relations between our countries will never improve until he apologizes for his meddling.

Sure, North Korea is threatening to wipe us off the map with nuclear weapons.

But the Belgians — the Belgians love us!

P.S.: These are my own words.
P.P.S.: I think.

For Little People [Arianna Haughtington]

2009-06-25T18:49:00.000-07:00

The wingnuts on the Right are all guffawing over President Obama’s statement that he wouldn’t use his own government-run health care plan if one of his family members were sick.

But, of course, none of us limousine liberals would ever use such crappy services.

This is for the little people — the dregs and wretches of society — the ones we have all read about in the New Yorker.

It’s certainly not for us.

Get Your Hotdogs Here! [Andrew Sullyvan]

2009-06-24T19:14:00.001-07:00

In a show of friendship by the Obama administration to the benevolent Iranian regime, U.S. embassies around the world will invite Iranian diplomats to Fourth of July celebrations, where they can dine on hotdogs and chuckle over all the protesters they slaughtered.

No word yet if Brent Scowcroft will be making any appearances, so as to toast the Supreme Leader and his most noble president.

Cheers!

The Fourth Estate [Rachel Meow]

2009-06-23T18:40:00.000-07:00

If anyone had any doubt about journalistic integrity in the age of Obama, they should’ve watched the President’s news conference this morning, where the Huffington Post’s Nico Pitney asked questions about Iran — questions he said the President asked him to ask.

Boy, talk about objectivity and independence.

Maybe one day we’ll get to the point where the President simply asks and answers all the questions by himself.

Wouldn’t that be great?

Iranian Election, Chicago Style [David Shyster]

2009-06-21T19:42:00.001-07:00

According to reports, during the Iranian presidential election the number of votes exceeded the number of voters in two provinces.

No word yet on how many dead voted.

And they say our ideals and values haven’t permeated Iran.

While Iran Burns [Andrew Sullyvan]

2009-06-20T19:28:00.000-07:00

In the midst of world chaos it’s important to have a president who’s on top of it.

Like our great president.

While Iran teeters on the edge of revolution — with reports of dozens killed and others beaten and sprayed with acid from helicopters — our president went to get some frozen custard at an ice cream parlor in Alexandria.

Now, that’s what I call leadership.

Cheers!

The Worst Physician in the World [Keith Ölbermensch]

2009-06-19T21:13:00.000-07:00

Forbes is reporting that David Scheiner, who until recently was President Obama’s personal physician, has come out against the president’s health care plan.

Who are you, sirrah, to question the Great One?

Do you even know anything about medicine?

Just shut up and do what you’re told. Who cares if you can no longer make a living. You should simply perform your services regardless of compensation, for the good of the state. For the good of the Leader.

You owe many people an apology. But none more deserving than me.

And I should receive it on my show.

In Sickness and in Health [David Shyster]

2009-06-18T20:29:00.000-07:00

Two new studies have shown that the nearly $200 billion that the U.N. has spent on health programs has had no positive affect whatsoever. In fact, some programs have even caused worse health problems, as they have interrupted local services.

The answer to this predicament, of course, is simple.

We need to spend $400 billion.

And you can be sure we will.

A Nice Bone [Andrew Sullyvan]

2009-06-17T18:59:00.001-07:00

Okay, so President Obama isn’t reversing the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy prohibiting gays from openly serving in the military — even though he promised that he would.

And okay, so President Obama’s Justice Department is defending the Defense of Marriage Act in court — even though he promised that he would repeal it.

None of this matters, because he threw us a nice juicy bone today by extending a few insignificant benefits to the same-sex partners of federal employees.

Go fetch, Fido!

Cheers!

More Lack of Confidence Needed [Arianna Haughtington]

2009-06-17T18:58:00.000-07:00

The wife of our dear friend Rep. John Conyers, Detroit City Councilwoman Monica Conyers, is facing a federal indictment for bribery.

This is horrible.

Not because she bribed someone, but because the federal prosecutors — in this era of Obama — would have the gall to indict a Democrat. And a progressive one at that.

Let’s just hope President Obama finds the same lack of confidence in the prosecutors that he found in that miscreant Gerald Walpin.

And let’s hope he finds it soon.

Transparency [Rachel Meow]

2009-06-16T18:28:00.000-07:00

We all howled whenever President Bush tried to keep any secrets from us. But maybe he wasn’t so wrong after all.

President Obama is blocking access to the names of White House visitors — continuing a policy from the previous administration. Believe it or not, he even blocked the access of our television network.

But, you know, state secrets really should be respected. It’s not like we have to worry about the administration not having our best interests in mind.

In fact, why don’t we as journalists just phone it in from now on.

Now, that’s what I call “transparency.”

The Worst Senator in the World [Keith Ölbermensch]

2009-06-16T18:27:00.000-07:00

It looks like we may have to expand that quarantine of rightwing hate speech I called for recently.

The worst senator in the world, Tom Coburn of Oklahoma, is at it again — spewing hate at the stimulus, which we in the know have already decided was in the best interest of the nation.

Coburn just released a report detailing one hundred so-called “wasteful” stimulus projects, including $1 billion for a power plant that probably will never work, $1 million for an airport no one uses, and a half-million dollars to treat the homeless in a town where there’s no homeless.

Senator, I think I speak for all sufficiently advanced Americans in telling you to shut up and go away. And take Sarah Palin with you.

And not only do I demand you to shut up, but I demand you do it on my show.

Leadership [Andrew Sullyvan]

2009-06-15T20:51:00.001-07:00

It’s a good thing we finally have a serious man at the helm of our nation — one who displays the requisite curiosity and thoughtfulness required for a world leader.

Yesterday, while the crisis was unfolding in Iran, where was our illustrious president?

Exactly where he should’ve been: on the golf course.

And today, even after millions marched in Tehran, President Obama conducted not even a single meeting on the topic.

Perhaps he was too busy looking for his fiddle.

Cheers!

Proper Election [Maureen Dowager]

2009-06-14T22:54:00.001-07:00

The Iranians these past few days have shown the world how to conduct a truly progressive election.

It was indeed glorious.

Let’s just hope ACORN and others like them have been taking notes and will implement the same methods when our national elections take place.

For if they do, we can’t help but win.

Brilliant Comrade [Arianna Haughtington]

2009-06-12T15:46:00.000-07:00

North Korean leader Kim Jong II has given his son, Kim Jong Un, the title of “Brilliant Comrade.”

Isn’t it a pity we have no such titles in this country?

You Have One Hour [David Shyster]

2009-06-12T15:45:00.000-07:00

The Obama administration reportedly told Inspector General Gerald Walpin that he had one hour to resign or be terminated — this after Walpin had the temerity to investigate Sacramento Mayor Kevin Johnson (better known to basketball fans as “KJ”), who just happens to be a big Obama supporter.

And Obama was right to do so. For there has already been far too many investigations of Democrats this year.

Walpin then had the further temerity to complain about his dismissal to Congress, instead of simply doing what he was told. I guess he just doesn’t get it.

You must obey.

Or else.

Validated [Andrew Sullyvan]

2009-06-11T15:45:00.000-07:00

Yesterday’s attack on the Holocaust Museum by a lone gunman is validation that the Department of Homeland Security memo circulated earlier in the year was dead on: every conservative in the country must be spied upon. And then destroyed.

If the government had simply been watching every rightwinger, this could’ve never happened. Especially if the gunman could’ve been arrested beforehand for his thoughtcrimes.

Either we stop these people now by all means available, or we risk totalitarianism.

Cheers.

Free Death [Rachel Meow]

2009-06-10T15:48:00.001-07:00

In honor of slain abortion provider George Tiller, the Philadelphia Women’s Center gave away free abortions yesterday.

What better way to honor a man who was brutally murdered than to brutally murder others.

So, get your free death while it lasts. Supplies are unlimited.

Them Jews [Arianna Haughtington]

2009-06-10T15:47:00.000-07:00

I just heard some unsettling news. Our good friend, the Most Reverend Jeremiah Wright, when asked if he had spoken to President Obama recently, replied, “Them Jews aren’t going to let him talk to me.”

This is utterly outrageous, Reverend.

It should be: “Those Jews.”

Please refrain from making such mistakes in the future, as it could cause us some embarrassment.

Funny Stuff [David Shyster]

2009-06-10T15:46:00.000-07:00

If you missed Letterman last night (and who among us would), you missed Dave making a joke about how Alex Rodriguez raped Sarah Palin’s fourteen-year-old daughter Willow during Sunday’s Yankee game.

Funny stuff.

Personally, I’m hoping for a natural disaster today, so Dave can make fun of all the dead people.

Ha-ha-ha.

Thankful [Andrew Sullyvan]

2009-06-09T18:28:00.001-07:00

Not a day goes by that I don’t thank the gods for sparing us from having that idiotic woman as vice-president.

But I’m especially thankful today after the ever-erudite Vice-President Biden yesterday raved about the $8.7 billion tunnel being built between New York and New Jersey (paid by the federal taxpayers) that he said “[I]s designed to provide for automobile traffic. It’s something, as you know, up your way, that’s been in the works and people have been clamoring for for a long time.”

So true, if it weren’t for it not being true. The tunnel is actually for trains only.

But that doesn’t mean he’s dumb. Or even ignorant. Or does it?

Well, at least he’s not wearing open-toed shoes or quoting Newt Gingrich.

Cheers.

Don’t Ask [Rachel Meow]

2009-06-08T18:29:00.002-07:00

The Obama administration won a victory today when the Supreme Court turned down a challenge to the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” directive that forbids homosexuals from openly serving in the military.

Of course, some may call Obama a hypocrite, after he actively campaigned to overturn this policy.

Some may, but I won’t.

That just shows you how much I believe in our dear leader. I mean, anyone can follow a leader when they agree with him or her, but it takes a true devotee to follow blindly like I do.

Wow! [David Shyster]

2009-06-08T18:29:00.001-07:00

Just a few days ago, I recommended that President Obama come out and say that the stimulus will create 100,000 new jobs.

Well, he must’ve been listening. For today he said that the stimulus would create 600,000 new jobs this summer alone.

Who cares if it’s even remotely true. It sure sounds good, and that’s all the little people will remember.

Words Mean Something [Maureen Dowager]

2009-06-07T20:16:00.001-07:00

The leftwing blogosphere is indignant over charges that that horrible woman, Gov. Sarah Palin, recently plagiarized Newt Gingrich in a speech she made this past week.

And how correct they are to do so. For never is it acceptable for public officials to use the words of others without attribution.

After all, words mean something.

P.S.: These are my own words.
P.P.S: I think.

Obama Beach [Andrew Sullyvan]

2009-06-06T21:22:00.001-07:00

Today British Prime Minister Gordon Brown officially renamed Omaha Beach “Obama Beach” in a speech commemorating the 65th anniversary of D-Day.

I for one couldn’t be prouder.

Let’s just hope it’s not the last monument to be renamed after our great, exalted leader.

And we can be almost certain that it won’t.

Thanks Heavens for the Stimulus [David Shyster]

2009-06-05T18:04:00.001-07:00

The unemployment rate has risen to 9.4% (16.4% if you include those no longer looking for work and those working part-time.)

Of course, this isn’t the best of news. But it could’ve been a whole lot worse.

Good thing we had that stimulus, which saved and/or created 100,000 jobs, or things would’ve really been bad.

But perhaps the Obama administration should come out and say the stimulus has saved/created yet another 100,000 jobs.

I mean, it’s not like they have to give any proof of this. We in the media we’ll just blindly accept it as fact. And so will the masses.

What do you guys think?

Respect [Rachel Meow]

2009-06-03T18:15:00.002-07:00

The wingnuts are already making fun of Brian Williams for bowing in front of President Obama on national TV.

But I, for one, am quite proud of him. He displayed the proper respect and devotion entitled for a man of Obama’s stature.

Now, if we could just get the rest of the nation to follow his lead.

By force, if necessary.

Sentimental [Andrew Sullyvan]

2009-06-03T18:15:00.001-07:00

Isn’t it so nice to finally have a president who’s not a dunce when it comes to geography?

Today, President Obama said that the United States was “one of the largest Muslim countries in the world.”

So what if it’s not even close to being true. It’s the sentiment that counts.

Isn’t it?

Cheers.

Bailing Out the Lobbyists [Maureen Dowager]

2009-06-03T18:14:00.000-07:00

It seems that the billions of dollars spent (and will be spent) bailing out General Motors really was essential for saving jobs.

The jobs of lobbyists, that is.

According to the Washington Examiner (see, I do know how to give attribution), GM will continue its multi-million dollar lobbying effort in Washington, DC — bought and paid for by you, the taxpayer.

It’s only fair. After all, those nice people on K Street have to eat, too.

I mean, have you seen the price of lobster and caviar lately?

P.S.: These are my own words.
P.P.S: I think.

Meme [Arianna Haughtington]

2009-06-03T18:13:00.000-07:00

The latest meme going around the conservative interwebs is that if rightwingers, like Bill O’Reilly, are responsible for the killing of abortion doctor George Tiller by way of their attacks on him, then leftwingers, like Code Pink, are equally responsible for the murder of Army recruiter William Long by way of their attacks.

Of course, we in the know know this analogy is ridiculous. For the Army kills people all the time, and George Tiller never killed anyone.

Unless you’re foolish enough to consider living, breathing nine-month-old babies as “anyone.”

Voter Fraud Okay [David Shyster]

2009-06-02T19:33:00.000-07:00

The Justice Department yesterday okayed voter fraud when they told the state of Georgia that they cannot check the identification of voters at the polls.

Call me crazy, but I think Georgia’s gonna be turning blue.

Like, real soon.

Confidence [Rachel Meow]

2009-06-02T18:23:00.000-07:00

The pathetic minions on the Right are all upset this morning that the Obama administration has put Brian Deese — a 31-year-old man with no administrative experience (automotive or otherwise) — in charge of shepherding General Motors through bankruptcy.

But I for one have great confidence in him.

After all, President Obama had no administrative experience, either — and look what a bang up job he’s doing.

First in Line [Arianna Haughtington]

2009-06-01T21:20:00.000-07:00

Now that General Motors is officially in bankruptcy, I want to say that — as soon as they emerge (with the federal government owning 60%) — I will be first in line to buy a new car from them.

Not that I will drive it, mind you. But I will buy it.

We all will, one way or another.

Not So Bad [Andrew Sullyvan]

2009-05-31T21:29:00.000-07:00

The Obama Administration — like its predecessor — is petitioning against the release of the 17 Chinese Uighers at Guantanamo Bay into the U.S., arguing that detention there isn’t so bad. In fact, they make a case that it’s almost pleasurable.

Isn’t that what we on the Left have been arguing for years now?

It’s not?

Well, then it’s a good thing Obama set us straight.

Cheers.

Consequences [David Shyster]

2009-05-29T19:33:00.001-07:00

The Justice Department has dropped a civil complaint against three members of the New Black Panthers, who were caught on tape violating the 1965 Voting Rights Act, by intimidating voters last Election Day.

Actually, it wasn’t the Justice Department that dropped the complaint — it was the political appointees in the Justice Department, who overruled the career lawyers.

Well, as they say, elections have consequences.

100,000 [Rachel Meow]

2009-05-27T18:39:00.002-07:00

President Obama boasted today that the stimulus has created or saved 100,000 jobs.

Of course, he offers no proof of this. Nor could he.

But it doesn’t matter. Just let the naysayers try to prove it to be otherwise.

Isn’t unfalsifiability great?

The Paper of Record [David Shyster]

2009-05-27T18:39:00.001-07:00

The New York Times today glowingly endorsed the nomination of Judge Sonia Sotomayor.

Certainly, this endorsement has nothing to do with the fact that Sotomayor ruled in the Times‘ favor in New York Times v Tasini — a case that would’ve allowed the newspaper to steal the copyrights of freelance journalists, if it hadn’t been subsequently overruled by the Supreme Court.

Certainly.

Peace Later [Andrew Sullyvan]

2009-05-27T18:38:00.000-07:00

Many of us supported Obama because of his promise to end the wars and bring the troops home.

Well, General George Casey, Army chief of staff, yesterday said that he plans to have combat troops in Iraq and Afghanistan for the next decade.

This is not bad news, though. For as President Obama once said he planned to be in power for ten years, he can still fulfill his pledge during his time in office.

Cheers.

Shame on You [Keith Ölbermensch]

2009-05-26T19:01:00.001-07:00

Six members of the California Supreme Court shamed us all when they voted to sustain Proposition 8 — an initiative deemed by all advanced thinkers such as me as so incorrect that it can’t even be discussed politely.

And what was their pathetic defense for this betrayal?

Some nonsense about the Constitution.

If they were real jurists, they’d just make up laws — like the way the great Sonia Sotomayor has throughout her illustrious career.

These six need to apologize. Not only to the gay people of California, but to me.

And they need to do it on my show.

Finally [Maureen Dowager]

2009-05-26T19:00:00.001-07:00

President Obama has just picked Sonia Sotomayor for the Supreme Court.

Whew.

For a moment there I thought Obama was planning to snub us, by not playing identity politics with the pick — especially when he said he felt no pressure to pick a woman.

Fortunately, he lied.

For not only did he pick her because she is a woman, he picked her because she’s an Hispanic woman: two important political demographics in one.

Also, Sotomayor is someone who’s previously stated that judges make policy, not legislators. So, we finally get an activist judge who’s not ashamed to admit that she’s activist.

It doesn’t get any better than this, folks.

P.S.: These are my own words.
P.P.S: I think.

Democracy Later [Arianna Haughtington]

2009-05-25T19:48:00.001-07:00

Our dear friend Nancy Pelosi, who was an outspoken supporter of human rights in China whenever the Republicans were in power, is spending Memorial Day much like any other patriotic American, by toasting the commissars in Shanghai on the eve of the 20th anniversary of the Tiananmen Square massacre.

And she’s right to do so. For now that we are in power, we must think strategically, geopolitically — and even Machiavellianly.

Democracy can wait.

Call to Action [Rachel Meow]

2009-05-24T18:43:00.000-07:00

In Copenhagen, former Vice-President Al Gore urged more than 500 Western business leaders to help bankrupt themselves, by supporting reductions on carbon emissions.

Even if such reductions do nothing for the environment, this is a worthy cause. Even if Asia ramps up their emissions to make up for our shortfall in production, this is a worthy cause. Even if it means financial ruin for us and our children, this is a worthy cause.

And if Gore’s successful, they should consider giving him another Nobel Peace Prize. Because they’ll be lots of peace across America.

91 Billion Reasons [Andrew Sullyvan]

2009-05-21T19:29:00.000-07:00

It’s a darn good thing we finally rid ourselves of that war party.

Okay, so Senate Democrats just passed a $91.3 billion war bill. But this is completely different than the kind of money the Republicans habitually wasted on war and death.

Why, you ask?

Oh, just shut up and agree.

The Worst Store in the World [Keith Ölbermensch]

2009-05-21T19:28:00.000-07:00

We all know that Wal-Mart is a terrible, terrible store that continually refuses to adhere to our demands that they stop selling products so cheap.

But this time, they’ve crossed the line.

They are now refusing to sell Green Day’s latest album just because of their small-minded policy not to stock music that has foul language in it. Of course, other bands circumvent this by releasing an edited version. But we’re talking Green Day here!

“As the biggest record store in America, they should probably have an obligation to sell people the correct art,” spoke bassist Mike Dirnt.

He’s right — the people simply must have correct art!

And not only should there be an obligation, Mike, but our government should have an obligation to make them have an obligation.

And it should be obligatory.

After all, we’re talking about freedom of expression.

Only the Rich [David Shyster]

2009-05-19T20:31:00.001-07:00

It appears that only the rich drink soda.

We must come to this conclusion after a Senate report indicated that Congress is considering taxing soft drinks and other sweetened beverages to pay for universal health care.

For, as we all know, the Democrats promised us that they were only going to tax the rich.

And they would never lie to us.

Revanche [Arianna Haughtington]

2009-05-19T20:30:00.000-07:00

The New York Times today is reporting that the credit card industry — in retaliation to new legislation aimed to limit penalties on risky borrowers — will pass the costs on to those who actually live within their means, by charging annual fees, ending reward programs, and charging interest without grace periods.

Still, I think Congress should go ahead with the bill, for the good of society as a whole.

Besides, as I’m a multi-millionaire, none of these new costs will affect me in the least.

No Hyprocrisy [Maureen Dowager]

2009-05-17T17:50:00.000-07:00

Politicians are often accused of saying one thing and doing another. But such a charge cannot be leveled at Vice-President Biden.

According to a disclosure statement issued by the White House, Biden, who has long been a champion of the government spending more than its means, has as much as $463,000 in personal debt. So, he can — with a clear conscience — say, “do as I do.”

If only we can more just like him.

P.S.: These are my own words.
P.P.S: I think.

Indefinitely [Andrew Sullyvan]

2009-05-14T20:30:00.001-07:00

We all cried for a president who would finally respect the Fourth Amendment.

And we certainly got one, all right.

According to reports, the Obama administration is considering holding detainees indefinitely and without trial. But since they plan on holding them indefinitely on American soil instead of at Guantanamo Bay, this is not a violation of the Fourth Amendment.

At least, that’s what I’ll keep telling myself.

Jumping In [Kathleen Parka]

2009-05-14T20:29:00.000-07:00

I’m so happy to see the tax bug catching.

My fellow former conservatives, Reps. Jeff Flake of Arizona and Bob Inglis of South Carolina, have joined me in embracing the wondrous beauty of excessive taxation, by introducing legislation that would tax carbon emissions.

The bill would nearly double the utility bills for those who live in areas serviced by coal-fueled power plants, which, just coincidently, lie outside these two representatives’ districts.

So, what are you other conservatives waiting for? The water’s fine — jump in.

And while you’re at it, don’t forget to pick up my latest book, which is still on sale at Amazon and at other fine booksellers.

See No Evil [Rachel Meow]

2009-05-13T21:13:00.002-07:00

We were all outraged when the Bush administration tried to keep evidence of detainee abuse out of the public eye.

But today President Obama has decided to block the further release of photos detailing such abuse.

I support him all the way. Because releasing this kind of stuff could seriously undermine the administration and its policies. Not to mention, threaten our security.

And as someone one said, those who would sacrifice freedom for security will receive both. Or something like that.

Hamburglars and Goblins [Kathleen Parka]

2009-05-13T21:13:00.001-07:00

US government bonds have become so risky that recently it was cheaper to buy protection on debt issued by McDonald’s than that of the government. Moody’s is even warning that treasuries may loose their top rating, which could raise the cost of borrowing dramatically.

But this is no cause to panic. Let’s just keep spending blindly and surely some magic will happen.

Surely.

And while we’re spending blindly, it wouldn’t hurt if some of you bought my latest book, which is still on sale at Amazon and at other fine booksellers.

Justifiable [Arianna Haughtington]

2009-05-13T21:12:00.000-07:00

My good friend Senator Dianne Feinstein has gallantly come to the defense of dear Nancy Pelosi, saying — in regards to charges that she knew of the waterboarding of suspects and did nothing — “I don’t want to make an apology for anybody, but in 2002, it wasn’t 2006, 07, 08 or 09. It was right after 9/11, and there were in fact discussions about a second wave of attacks.”

See, waterboarding back in 2002 was okay. Torture was okay. Because back then the ends justified the means.

And, more importantly, it was popular.

Now, can we please get back to prosecuting the war crimes of the Bush administration.

Soak the Rich [David Shyster]

2009-05-12T22:34:00.000-07:00

During the presidential campaign, Obama promised to only tax the rich. And he’s living up to this in a big way.

To pay for universal health coverage, the administration — in coordination with Democratic senators — is considering taxing employer-provided health benefits.

I guess this means that only the rich are employed. So, I’m sure they won’t mind paying for the health benefits of those who aren’t.

Fair is fair.

Loose Lips [Keith Ölbermensch]

2009-05-12T22:32:00.000-07:00

Today that spoilsport Jake Tapper reported a leaked internal EPA memo that contradicts what the administration and all of us have been arguing in regards to carbon regulation: that it will spur economic growth.

“Making the decision to regulate CO₂ under the CAA [Clean Air Act] for the first time is likely to have serious economic consequences for regulated entities throughout the U.S. economy, including small businesses and small communities,” the memo states.

This is utterly outrageous. How dare this person leak such infamy. Even if it is true.

Government employees have a responsibility to tow the line and shut their mouths. Whistleblowing is never acceptable.

Unless, of course, the administration is Republican.

The leaker should step forward and recant. And beg my forgiveness.

On my show.

Pride [Andrew Sullyvan]

2009-05-07T21:08:00.000-07:00

The federal government has announced that it will condemn several parcels of private land in Pennsylvania — in order to confiscate it, so that they can build a memorial to Flight 93.

What better way to honor those who died and the ideals of this country than by stealing people’s property.

It makes me proud to be an almost-American.

Cheers!

Win-Win [David Shyster]

2009-05-06T19:24:00.001-07:00

The Senate is preparing legislation that will make it easier for people with bad credit to get a mortgage — one backed by the federal government; that is, the American taxpayer.

What could possibly go wrong?

Ha-Ha [Arianna Haughtington]

2009-05-06T19:23:00.000-07:00

Our new good friend Arlen Specter yesterday learned a lesson in humility when the Democratic Party reneged on the deal they had made with him only a week earlier, by making him a junior member of their caucus.

As that little boy in The Simpsons says, “Ha-ha.”

Let this be a lesson to the other rats considering jumping the sinking GOP ship for our heavenly blue waters. We’ll take you, but you’ll get nothing.

And like it.

Justifying the Means [Kathleen Parka]

2009-05-05T20:22:00.001-07:00

My good friend Mitt Romney, writing in Newsweek, rejects government intervention in health care.

But don’t worry, he really believes in the same kind of government intervention we do. So much so that he actually implemented Obama’s health care plan in Massachusetts.

So why is he saying the opposite?

That’s just Mitt being Mitt. He has to convince those yahoos in the Republican Party that he’s one of them so that he can be nominated for president. Basically, he’ll say or do anything to achieve his ends.

Speaking of which, my book is still on sale at Amazon and at other fine booksellers.

Revenue Stream [David Shyster]

2009-05-04T20:26:00.000-07:00

President Obama today announced a plan that would prevent U.S. companies from keeping profits in foreign subsidiaries rather than reporting them through the home office.

He added that this would create $210 billion in new tax revenue over the next 10 years.

Of course, what if these companies just leave the country permanently? Wouldn’t we actually lose revenue?

It’s a darn good thing that they’d never think of something like that.

Revival [Andrew Sullyvan]

2009-05-02T20:05:00.000-07:00

According to the New York Times, the Obama administration is considering reviving Guantanamo Bay military courts — in spite of the many pledges the president made to end them.

It’s all good.

It’s only bad when Bush did it. Don’t you see: Obama good, Bush bad.

Easy enough.

No word, though, whether they will also revive the cockmeat sandwiches.

Empathy and Understanding [Maureen Dowager]

2009-05-01T18:35:00.000-07:00

President Obama, after praising retiring Supreme Court Justice David Souter, vowed to replace him with someone who not only has an impeccable legal background, but also one who demonstrates “empathy and understanding.”

Of course, it’ll be difficult to find someone who has the same “empathy and understanding” Souter displayed in Kelo v. The City of New London, when he joined the other liberal justices in helping local governments steal the property of poor people, in the name of corporate interests.

It’ll be difficult, but at least he’ll sure try.

Leadership [David Shyster]

2009-04-30T22:31:00.001-07:00

In times of crisis, we rely on our leaders for their coolness and their refusal to panic. So, it was just wonderful listening to Vice President Biden’s advice in regards to the swine flu epidemic.

“I wouldn’t go anywhere in confined places now,” he said — specifically mentioning schools, planes, and subways as places to avoid.

That should calm everyone down.

Oh, Well [Rachel Meow]

2009-04-29T21:11:00.000-07:00

I must say I’m disappointed that President Obama — during his press conference — said that “the Freedom of Choice Act is not my highest legislative priority.”

I’m especially disappointed because — during the campaign — he said that it was his highest legislative priority.

Oh, well — I guess we’ll just have to figure out other ways to kill more babies.

A Hundred Days of Solitutde [Andrew Sullyvan]

2009-04-29T21:10:00.000-07:00

Today marks the 100th day of Obama’s presidency.

And what a hundred days. He’s done everything we expected.

Why, he’s ended the wars, stopped renditions, freed detainees, gutted the Patriot and FISA acts, brought back fiscal responsibility, embraced bipartisanship, and halted the drug war.

Well, perhaps he’ll get around to these things in the next 100 days.

Cool [Rachel Meow]

2009-04-28T21:52:00.001-07:00

Who needs cap and trade restrictions when we can destroy the coal industry without so much as a vote?

The EPA just issued an order reneging on a permit to build a coal-fire power plant on a Navajo reservation in New Mexico. No vote, no due process, no nothing.

Isn’t that just cool?

Well, maybe not for the Native Americans who were counting on that plant for energy and jobs.

But don’t worry, dears, the welfare checks are on their way.

A Hearty Thanks [Kathleen Parka]

2009-04-28T21:51:00.001-07:00

Great news: Arlen Specter has switched parties — following me to the light of socialism.

Glory, glory, hallelujah!

A special and hearty thanks must go to all those “conservatives” who drove him over with their taunts and threats. They have now unwittingly given us a filibuster-proof majority in the Senate. Talk about useful idiots.

Nothing can stop us now.

I wish, though, I could say the same of my book. You guys realize it’s still on sale at Amazon and at other fine booksellers?

A New Kind of Car Company [Arianna Haughtington]

2009-04-28T21:50:00.000-07:00

The Treasury Department has come up with a wonderful plan to restructure GM: the federal government gets 50% of the new company, the UAW — which owns $10 billion of the company’s bonds — gets 39%, the private bondholders — who own $27 billion of the bonds — gets 10%, and the stockholders get 1%.

Seems fair to me. But then math was never my forte.

And just think of the great cars this company will produce when it’s no longer constrained by such outdated concepts as profitability, quality, and customer service.

If you have any doubt, just pick yourself up an old Lada.

No Lawyer for You [Andrew Sullyvan]

2009-04-25T19:41:00.001-07:00

Isn’t it just wonderful to have a president that respects the Constitution and civil liberties?

President Obama is now urging the Supreme Court to overturn Michigan v Jackson — a 23-year-old ruling that prohibits police from questioning suspects without a lawyer present, if they have a lawyer or request one.

I don’t know about you people, but this is just fine and dandy with me. I mean, if they’re innocent, why do they need a lawyer?

And it’ll just make the process that much faster when we start rounding up all those teapartyers.

Cheers.

Calumny [Arianna Haughtington]

2009-04-24T18:38:00.000-07:00

My dear friend Nancy Pelosi insists that she knew nothing about the CIA’s torturing of terror suspects — in spite of evidence that she was fully briefed on the practice, and said and did nothing.

Of course, I believe her. I mean, how could she possibly have condoned and abetted torture when she spoke so vociferously against it?

How could she?

No Excuses [Rachel Meow]

2009-04-23T21:05:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, Vice-President Biden — appearing at Georgetown University Law Center — said that there is “no excuse” for violence against a child.

Quite fortunately, the abortion providers across America, which kill 1.3 million children annually, make none.

Absolutely none.

High Crimes and Treason [Keith Ölbermensch]

2009-04-22T19:15:00.001-07:00

If it was not enough that President Obama has increased American troops in Afghanistan, bombed Pakistan, continued renditions, denied habeas corpus rights of detainees, and ratcheted up the drug war, now he’s even promoting the Columbian free-trade agreement.

This is one step too far — even for a man I follow near-blindly. If we were going to have a third term of Bush, we could’ve just elected McCain. At least, my ratings would be up.

Mr. President — please reconsider. I beg you. Do you not understand the ramifications of free trade? Why, it might — it might spur economic growth in the entire region.

We cannot allow this to happen.

You should apologize. Not only to the country, but to me personally. And you should do it on my show.

The End of the Beginning [Maureen Dowager]

2009-04-22T19:14:00.000-07:00

The end of the conflict in Darfur is finally in view.

Actress Mia Farrow announced that she will go on a hunger strike next week as a “personal expression of outrage” over the humanitarian crisis in Darfur.

That should get those meanies in the Sudanese government to capitulate. And how.

Perhaps this isn’t the beginning of the end of this tragedy, but it’s most certainly the end of the beginning.

What Tea Parties? [Arianna Haughtington]

2009-04-21T18:14:00.000-07:00

President Obama today signed a bill that triples the size of the AmeriCorp; also known as the Obama Youth.

Let's just see them try to start some tea parties now.

Whether They Like It or Not [David Shyster]

2009-04-20T18:19:00.001-07:00

The New York Times is reporting that the administration is considering converting TARP loans for the largest 19 banks into common stock — instantly making the federal government the banks’ largest stockholder.

And here some people thought bank nationalization would be a difficult process. It could happen in a flash of the eye. Without due process or protest of any kind.

Of course, bank stocks collapsed today. But that’s okay — the owner doesn’t mind.

A New Era [Andrew Sullyvan]

2009-04-20T18:18:00.000-07:00

We were all excited when Attorney General Eric Holder announced that the administration would not be prosecuting those who distribute medical marijuana if they complied with state and local laws. A new era had finally begun.

So, some of us may be disappointed to learn that the Justice Department, over the weekend, refused to intervene in the case of Charlie Lynch — who was convicted on federal distribution charges last year — stating that the conviction was entirely consistent with their policy.

But I’m not.

Why?

I can’t really tell you, because I don’t know myself.

New Math [Rachel Meow]

2009-04-20T18:17:00.000-07:00

President Obama, in his first Cabinet meeting today, fearlessly ordered federal agencies to cut $100 million in spending.

This will surely offset the trillions of dollars in additional spending he’s ordered in his first three months.

It’s a “new math” kind of thing.

Just Lay Down [Kathleen Parka]

2009-04-19T18:00:00.001-07:00

President Obama has asked Republicans to return from their spring recess with a more constructive attitude toward health care, energy, and other administration initiatives.

That is to say, he wants them to lay down and do whatever he wants.

Which shouldn't be too difficult, considering they've been laying down for years now.

Speaking of laying down, my book hasn't been picked up in ages. You guys know that it's still available at Amazon and at other fine booksellers?

See No Evil [Arianna Haughtington]

2009-04-16T20:58:00.001-07:00

According to reports, the Obama administration forced Georgetown University, a Jesuit school, to cover up all religious symbols when the President spoke there on Tuesday.

Boy, every day it seems this country moves closer and closer to the glorious Greece of my childhood when Markos Vafiadis and the KKE did many similar things.

Now if Obama could just force the rest of the country to hide their symbols, we could have true religious freedom for all of us.

That is, all of us that matter.

Workers No Longer Smoke [David Shyster]

2009-04-15T21:20:00.000-07:00

President Obama today — commemorating his and our favorite day of the year — said: "I am proud to announce that my administration has lessened the tax burden on working families."

Considering he raised the tax on cigarettes more than 250%, this must mean that no workers smoke.

What a great achievement for an administration so young.

Get the Federalists [Andrew Sullyvan]

2009-04-14T21:14:00.001-07:00

The Department of Homeland Security recently issued a warming about the rising tide of right-wing extremism, including in the report not only racist and other hate groups, but also those who reject the power of the federal government in favor of state or local authority.

That is, federalists.

It's about time we went after these criminals, who bitterly cling to their Constitution. Pity we can't take a time machine back to 1787 and arrest the whole lot of those miserable conventioneers.

No Habeas Corpus for You [Rachel Meow]

2009-04-13T20:35:00.000-07:00

Remember how we’d always get upset when the Bush administration denied the 4th-amendment rights of detainees?

Well, Friday, the Obama administration asked a District Court judge not to proceed with the habeas corpus cases of three men being kept without charges at an Air Force base outside Kabul, where they can rot for time immemorial, without so much as a trial.

So, I guess this means that this kind of behavior was always right — because, certainly, anything President Obama does must necessarily be good and just — and be for the best.

Live and learn.

Let Them Eat Ethanol [Arianna Haughtington]

2009-04-10T19:41:00.002-07:00

According to the Congressional Budget Office, federal ethanol policies have caused consumer food prices to rise as much as 0.8 percent, and have added nearly a billion dollars to the cost of providing food stamps.

The solution seems pretty simple: let these wretched waifs eat ethanol.

If the common people have the constitutions to stomach such vileness as chimichangas, surely they can stomach this.

Take-Out [David Shyster]

2009-04-10T19:41:00.001-07:00

In tough economic times like these, many of us have to cut back. Unfortunately, this often means getting take-out instead of eating in a restaurant.

This is true even if you are the president.

That’s correct — our illustrious president — a true man of the people — recently ordered a take-out pizza.

Of course, in his case this meant flying two restaurateurs from St. Louis, MO to the White House, carrying their foodstuffs, so that they could make the pizza personally in the White House.

Yes, tough times indeed.

The Worst Space Administration in the World [Keith Ölbermensch]

2009-04-09T20:14:00.001-07:00

Just when we are on the cusp of major legislation that would limit not only industrial emissions, but industrial output as well, some fools from NASA come out and undermine our great plans.

New research from NASA indicate that Arctic warming has come not from carbon dioxide emissions, but from laws enacted to improve air quality — specifically, those pieces of legislation that lowered sulfate emissions, which actually cool the atmosphere.

Basically, they are saying clean air is causing warming.

This makes me very angry.

Didn’t these people listen when Al Gore said the time for inquiry and debate regarding global warming was over? Did they not get the memo that you either agree with us or you will be labeled a buffoon or a denier?

I demand an apology from NASA. And I want it on my show.

More Change [Rachel Meow]

2009-04-09T20:13:00.000-07:00

Many of us were expecting to see drastic change in drug policy with the new Obama administration. And we’ve not been disappointed.

Attorney General Eric Holder recently told the New York Times that “he was exploring ways to lower the minimum amount required for the federal prosecution of possession cases.”

We wanted change. And change we got.

Put that in your pipe and smoke it. But nothing else.

Humanization [David Shyster]

2009-04-08T23:07:00.001-07:00

President Obama has just nominated Ron Weich as Assistant Attorney General for Legislative Affairs.

This is the same Ron Weich who decried the 2004 Unborn Victims of Violence Act — quite leftfully calling it "[J]ust one more step in the anti-abortion movement's methodical strategy to humanize fetuses."

Thankfully, we won't have any such humanization in this administration.

Pride [Kathleen Parka]

2009-04-07T21:45:00.001-07:00

All of us “conservatives” who jumped on the bandwagon last fall can today feel justly proud.

In less than 3 months, the Democrats have managed to increase the national debt by $1.5 trillion. If we extrapolate this number over four years, our debt could increase by more than $24 trillion over the course of President Obama’s first term.

Now, that’s progress.

By the way, have I mentioned lately that my book is still available at Amazon and at other fine booksellers?

If only the Democrats could increase my book sales the way they’re increasing the debt!

Our Erudite Leader [Andrew Sullyvan]

2009-04-06T11:45:00.000-07:00

It's just so wonderful to finally have such a smart and knowledgeable president.

Just this morning — in response to a question from an Austrian reporter — President Obama said, "political interaction in Europe is not that different from the United States Senate. There’s a lot of — I don’t know what the term is in Austrian — wheeling and dealing, and people are pursuing their interests, and everybody has their own particular issues and their own particular politics."

Only a true genius would've known they spoke Austrian in Austria. Why, even I didn't know that.

Just imagine if that dope Sarah Palin had been elected. She'd probably have said something really stupid — like, how they speak German in Austria — or something equally insipid.

Sometimes Choice is Bad [Rachel Meow]

2009-04-05T19:25:00.001-07:00

On Friday, the US Education Department released a study that found that students from Washington, DC, who were given vouchers to attend private school, outperformed their public-school peers on reading tests.

Now, some may insist that this proves school choice is a good thing. But, in fact, it proves quite the opposite.

For how can we create a society where everyone is equal if some are better than others?

Speaking Truth to Power [Arianna Haughtington]

2009-04-04T19:50:00.002-07:00

This week, Eleanor Holmes Norton, the Washington, DC delegate to the House of Representatives, said: “I don’t think members are in the least bit affected in their votes on the question of its constitutionality. People vote their politics in the House and in the Senate.”

How true.

And just imagine the perilous position we progressives would be in if it weren’t.

Not Unfair to Unions [David Shyster]

2009-04-04T19:50:00.001-07:00

The New York Times Co. yesterday threatened to close down the Boston Globe unless the newspaper’s unions agree to sweeping concessions.

But in no way does this mean that it’s unfair to unions, as its flagship paper has long defended union rights in its editorials, including just a few months ago — when it courageously came out in favor of the EFCA bill, which will allow unionization without so much as a vote. Such writings, of course, are far more important than any actions it takes.

Let’s just hope those deadenders that protested in front of SEIU headquarters last month don’t do the same in front of the Times Building.

At least we’ll know the Times will unlikely cover it even if they do.

Death and Tragedy [Maureen Dowager]

2009-04-03T21:18:00.000-07:00

Talk about a truism.

My colleague at the New York Times, Executive Editor Bill Keller, recently wrote “saving the New York Times now ranks with saving Darfur as a high-minded cause.”

Yes, the murder of hundreds of thousands of people (not to mention the displacement of millions more) is certainly the moral equivalent of one dying newspaper.

I mean, just imagine if I lose my job and am unable to purchase Versace’s new summer collection.

Now that would be a tragedy.

And Then They Came for the Internet [Andrew Sullyvan]

2009-04-03T21:17:00.000-07:00

The Cybersecurity Act of 2009, just introduced in the US Senate, would give President Obama the authority to shut down private Internet networks, and the authority to demand security data from these networks. And he’d be able to do so without regard to any provision of law, regulation, rule, or policy restriction.

This would be worrisome if such power were given to an unprogressive leader. But since it’s Obama, why worry? We all know that he — unlike Bush — is for freedom of expression.

So, you might ask — why then does he want such powers?

To paraphrase Lord Tennyson, ours is not to reason why.

I forget how the rest went.