9,000 Words of Glorious Hate [Andrew Sullyvan]

My esteemed colleague, Todd Purdum of the ever-relevant Vanity Fair, has a wonderful 9,000-word piece on the woman all thinking people like us hate without thought. Yes, that horrible, unnameable governor of Alaska.

Of course, there’s nothing new here — just the same smears regurgitated ad nauseum. But so what? Like heroin, you can never get too much.

Too bad, though, that there was no dirt on Trig.

Perhaps next time.

Cheers!

The Worst Neighbor in the World [Keith Ölbermensch]

Just when we here in America are properly ratcheting up taxes, what do our so-called friends up north in Canada do?

They insidiously lower theirs.

Canada is quietly and dramatically lowering corporate tax rates, in a diabolical plan to attract American businesses. And it’s already working.

How dare you, Canada!

How dare you not destroy your businesses and economic activity the way we are. And how dare you offer our plunderers and evildoers a way out.

I demand an apology from the entire country.

On my show.

A Brave Stand [Rachel Meow]

A woman after my own heart, California Speaker of the Assembly Karen Bass, yesterday bravely spoke out against the evil free-speech terrorists:

“The Republicans were essentially threatened and terrorized against voting for revenue. Now [some] are facing recalls. They operate under a terrorist threat: ‘You vote for revenue and your career is over.’ I don’t know why we allow that kind of terrorism to exist. I guess it’s about free speech, but it’s extremely unfair.”

Don’t worry, Karen, this type of “terrorism” will surely diminish in the coming years.

That is, if we have anything to say about it.

Payback is Sweet [Arianna Haughtington]

Last year during the Democratic primaries, South Carolina Rep. James Clyburn surprisingly endorsed Barack Obama in his state’s primary — spurning his longtime friendship with Clintons.

Of course, he did this solely because he believed in the boldness of Obama’s vision.

The fact that his daughter was just nominated to become a member of the FCC is completely unrelated.

Now, if I only Obama would give my children some sinecures unrelated to my support.

The Worst Left-Wing Site in the World [Keith Ölbermensch]

Unbelievably, some dupes at the Daily Kos have had the temerity to attack me. Yes, me — their god!

And why? Just because I’ve been punching the reactionaries and revanchists a little below the belt. Okay, maybe way under the belt.

But don’t these little punks understand this is war? We can take no prisoners. We have to destroy the Right — even if it means destroying their wives and children.

Even if it means lying and smearing.

And there’s no room for divisiveness among us!

We are all one. One mind. One thought. One voice. And that voice is mine.

So, shut up and do what I say!

Oh, and please watch my show.

Mob Rules [Kathleen Parka]

House Judiciary Committee Chairman John Conyers has decided not to pursue his investigation of ACORN — backing off from holding hearings relating to accusations of voter fraud and racketeering.

This is the same John Conyers who’s wife just pleaded guilty to conspiring to commit bribery.

Not that I’m saying there’s a connection — but when you mess around, you mess around.

Let this be a lesson to anyone who gets in our way. Just shut up and obey, and you’ll be fine.

And while you’re doing that, please take note that my latest book is still on sale at Amazon and at other fine booksellers.

Can’t We Just Get Along? [David Shyster]

Reports are circulating that Democratic representatives David Obey and Maxine Waters got into a physical altercation over graft that Rep. Waters wanted paid to an employment center bearing her name.

Come on, people — behave.

There’s plenty of moola to go around. All we gotta do is print some more. Or borrow it.

Or steal some from rich people.

Love [Maureen Dowager]

It’s just so amazing to have a leader whom the world loves.

Sure, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad lashed out at Obama, calling him another Bush and saying relations between our countries will never improve until he apologizes for his meddling.

Sure, North Korea is threatening to wipe us off the map with nuclear weapons.

But the Belgians — the Belgians love us!

P.S.: These are my own words.
P.P.S.: I think.

For Little People [Arianna Haughtington]

The wingnuts on the Right are all guffawing over President Obama’s statement that he wouldn’t use his own government-run health care plan if one of his family members were sick.

But, of course, none of us limousine liberals would ever use such crappy services.

This is for the little people — the dregs and wretches of society — the ones we have all read about in the New Yorker.

It’s certainly not for us.

Get Your Hotdogs Here! [Andrew Sullyvan]

In a show of friendship by the Obama administration to the benevolent Iranian regime, U.S. embassies around the world will invite Iranian diplomats to Fourth of July celebrations, where they can dine on hotdogs and chuckle over all the protesters they slaughtered.

No word yet if Brent Scowcroft will be making any appearances, so as to toast the Supreme Leader and his most noble president.

Cheers!

The Fourth Estate [Rachel Meow]

If anyone had any doubt about journalistic integrity in the age of Obama, they should’ve watched the President’s news conference this morning, where the Huffington Post’s Nico Pitney asked questions about Iran — questions he said the President asked him to ask.

Boy, talk about objectivity and independence.

Maybe one day we’ll get to the point where the President simply asks and answers all the questions by himself.

Wouldn’t that be great?

Iranian Election, Chicago Style [David Shyster]

According to reports, during the Iranian presidential election the number of votes exceeded the number of voters in two provinces.

No word yet on how many dead voted.

And they say our ideals and values haven’t permeated Iran.

While Iran Burns [Andrew Sullyvan]

In the midst of world chaos it’s important to have a president who’s on top of it.

Like our great president.

While Iran teeters on the edge of revolution — with reports of dozens killed and others beaten and sprayed with acid from helicopters — our president went to get some frozen custard at an ice cream parlor in Alexandria.

Now, that’s what I call leadership.

Cheers!

The Worst Physician in the World [Keith Ölbermensch]

Forbes is reporting that David Scheiner, who until recently was President Obama’s personal physician, has come out against the president’s health care plan.

Who are you, sirrah, to question the Great One?

Do you even know anything about medicine?

Just shut up and do what you’re told. Who cares if you can no longer make a living. You should simply perform your services regardless of compensation, for the good of the state. For the good of the Leader.

You owe many people an apology. But none more deserving than me.

And I should receive it on my show.

In Sickness and in Health [David Shyster]

Two new studies have shown that the nearly $200 billion that the U.N. has spent on health programs has had no positive affect whatsoever. In fact, some programs have even caused worse health problems, as they have interrupted local services.

The answer to this predicament, of course, is simple.

We need to spend $400 billion.

And you can be sure we will.

A Nice Bone [Andrew Sullyvan]

Okay, so President Obama isn’t reversing the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy prohibiting gays from openly serving in the military — even though he promised that he would.

And okay, so President Obama’s Justice Department is defending the Defense of Marriage Act in court — even though he promised that he would repeal it.

None of this matters, because he threw us a nice juicy bone today by extending a few insignificant benefits to the same-sex partners of federal employees.

Go fetch, Fido!

Cheers!

More Lack of Confidence Needed [Arianna Haughtington]

The wife of our dear friend Rep. John Conyers, Detroit City Councilwoman Monica Conyers, is facing a federal indictment for bribery.

This is horrible.

Not because she bribed someone, but because the federal prosecutors — in this era of Obama — would have the gall to indict a Democrat. And a progressive one at that.

Let’s just hope President Obama finds the same lack of confidence in the prosecutors that he found in that miscreant Gerald Walpin.

And let’s hope he finds it soon.

Transparency [Rachel Meow]

We all howled whenever President Bush tried to keep any secrets from us. But maybe he wasn’t so wrong after all.

President Obama is blocking access to the names of White House visitors — continuing a policy from the previous administration. Believe it or not, he even blocked the access of our television network.

But, you know, state secrets really should be respected. It’s not like we have to worry about the administration not having our best interests in mind.

In fact, why don’t we as journalists just phone it in from now on.

Now, that’s what I call “transparency.”

The Worst Senator in the World [Keith Ölbermensch]

It looks like we may have to expand that quarantine of rightwing hate speech I called for recently.

The worst senator in the world, Tom Coburn of Oklahoma, is at it again — spewing hate at the stimulus, which we in the know have already decided was in the best interest of the nation.

Coburn just released a report detailing one hundred so-called “wasteful” stimulus projects, including $1 billion for a power plant that probably will never work, $1 million for an airport no one uses, and a half-million dollars to treat the homeless in a town where there’s no homeless.

Senator, I think I speak for all sufficiently advanced Americans in telling you to shut up and go away. And take Sarah Palin with you.

And not only do I demand you to shut up, but I demand you do it on my show.

Leadership [Andrew Sullyvan]

It’s a good thing we finally have a serious man at the helm of our nation — one who displays the requisite curiosity and thoughtfulness required for a world leader.

Yesterday, while the crisis was unfolding in Iran, where was our illustrious president?

Exactly where he should’ve been: on the golf course.

And today, even after millions marched in Tehran, President Obama conducted not even a single meeting on the topic.

Perhaps he was too busy looking for his fiddle.

Cheers!

Proper Election [Maureen Dowager]

The Iranians these past few days have shown the world how to conduct a truly progressive election.

It was indeed glorious.

Let’s just hope ACORN and others like them have been taking notes and will implement the same methods when our national elections take place.

For if they do, we can’t help but win.

Brilliant Comrade [Arianna Haughtington]

North Korean leader Kim Jong II has given his son, Kim Jong Un, the title of “Brilliant Comrade.”

Isn’t it a pity we have no such titles in this country?

You Have One Hour [David Shyster]

The Obama administration reportedly told Inspector General Gerald Walpin that he had one hour to resign or be terminated — this after Walpin had the temerity to investigate Sacramento Mayor Kevin Johnson (better known to basketball fans as “KJ”), who just happens to be a big Obama supporter.

And Obama was right to do so. For there has already been far too many investigations of Democrats this year.

Walpin then had the further temerity to complain about his dismissal to Congress, instead of simply doing what he was told. I guess he just doesn’t get it.

You must obey.

Or else.

Validated [Andrew Sullyvan]

Yesterday’s attack on the Holocaust Museum by a lone gunman is validation that the Department of Homeland Security memo circulated earlier in the year was dead on: every conservative in the country must be spied upon. And then destroyed.

If the government had simply been watching every rightwinger, this could’ve never happened. Especially if the gunman could’ve been arrested beforehand for his thoughtcrimes.

Either we stop these people now by all means available, or we risk totalitarianism.

Cheers.

Free Death [Rachel Meow]

In honor of slain abortion provider George Tiller, the Philadelphia Women’s Center gave away free abortions yesterday.

What better way to honor a man who was brutally murdered than to brutally murder others.

So, get your free death while it lasts. Supplies are unlimited.

Them Jews [Arianna Haughtington]

I just heard some unsettling news. Our good friend, the Most Reverend Jeremiah Wright, when asked if he had spoken to President Obama recently, replied, “Them Jews aren’t going to let him talk to me.”

This is utterly outrageous, Reverend.

It should be: “Those Jews.”

Please refrain from making such mistakes in the future, as it could cause us some embarrassment.

Funny Stuff [David Shyster]

If you missed Letterman last night (and who among us would), you missed Dave making a joke about how Alex Rodriguez raped Sarah Palin’s fourteen-year-old daughter Willow during Sunday’s Yankee game.

Funny stuff.

Personally, I’m hoping for a natural disaster today, so Dave can make fun of all the dead people.

Ha-ha-ha.

Thankful [Andrew Sullyvan]

Not a day goes by that I don’t thank the gods for sparing us from having that idiotic woman as vice-president.

But I’m especially thankful today after the ever-erudite Vice-President Biden yesterday raved about the $8.7 billion tunnel being built between New York and New Jersey (paid by the federal taxpayers) that he said “[I]s designed to provide for automobile traffic. It’s something, as you know, up your way, that’s been in the works and people have been clamoring for for a long time.”

So true, if it weren’t for it not being true. The tunnel is actually for trains only.

But that doesn’t mean he’s dumb. Or even ignorant. Or does it?

Well, at least he’s not wearing open-toed shoes or quoting Newt Gingrich.

Cheers.

Don’t Ask [Rachel Meow]

The Obama administration won a victory today when the Supreme Court turned down a challenge to the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” directive that forbids homosexuals from openly serving in the military.

Of course, some may call Obama a hypocrite, after he actively campaigned to overturn this policy.

Some may, but I won’t.

That just shows you how much I believe in our dear leader. I mean, anyone can follow a leader when they agree with him or her, but it takes a true devotee to follow blindly like I do.

Wow! [David Shyster]

Just a few days ago, I recommended that President Obama come out and say that the stimulus will create 100,000 new jobs.

Well, he must’ve been listening. For today he said that the stimulus would create 600,000 new jobs this summer alone.

Who cares if it’s even remotely true. It sure sounds good, and that’s all the little people will remember.

Words Mean Something [Maureen Dowager]

The leftwing blogosphere is indignant over charges that that horrible woman, Gov. Sarah Palin, recently plagiarized Newt Gingrich in a speech she made this past week.

And how correct they are to do so. For never is it acceptable for public officials to use the words of others without attribution.

After all, words mean something.

P.S.: These are my own words.
P.P.S: I think.

Obama Beach [Andrew Sullyvan]

Today British Prime Minister Gordon Brown officially renamed Omaha Beach “Obama Beach” in a speech commemorating the 65th anniversary of D-Day.

I for one couldn’t be prouder.

Let’s just hope it’s not the last monument to be renamed after our great, exalted leader.

And we can be almost certain that it won’t.

Thanks Heavens for the Stimulus [David Shyster]

The unemployment rate has risen to 9.4% (16.4% if you include those no longer looking for work and those working part-time.)

Of course, this isn’t the best of news. But it could’ve been a whole lot worse.

Good thing we had that stimulus, which saved and/or created 100,000 jobs, or things would’ve really been bad.

But perhaps the Obama administration should come out and say the stimulus has saved/created yet another 100,000 jobs.

I mean, it’s not like they have to give any proof of this. We in the media we’ll just blindly accept it as fact. And so will the masses.

What do you guys think?

Respect [Rachel Meow]

The wingnuts are already making fun of Brian Williams for bowing in front of President Obama on national TV.

But I, for one, am quite proud of him. He displayed the proper respect and devotion entitled for a man of Obama’s stature.

Now, if we could just get the rest of the nation to follow his lead.

By force, if necessary.

Sentimental [Andrew Sullyvan]

Isn’t it so nice to finally have a president who’s not a dunce when it comes to geography?

Today, President Obama said that the United States was “one of the largest Muslim countries in the world.”

So what if it’s not even close to being true. It’s the sentiment that counts.

Isn’t it?

Cheers.

Bailing Out the Lobbyists [Maureen Dowager]

It seems that the billions of dollars spent (and will be spent) bailing out General Motors really was essential for saving jobs.

The jobs of lobbyists, that is.

According to the Washington Examiner (see, I do know how to give attribution), GM will continue its multi-million dollar lobbying effort in Washington, DC — bought and paid for by you, the taxpayer.

It’s only fair. After all, those nice people on K Street have to eat, too.

I mean, have you seen the price of lobster and caviar lately?

P.S.: These are my own words.
P.P.S: I think.

Meme [Arianna Haughtington]

The latest meme going around the conservative interwebs is that if rightwingers, like Bill O’Reilly, are responsible for the killing of abortion doctor George Tiller by way of their attacks on him, then leftwingers, like Code Pink, are equally responsible for the murder of Army recruiter William Long by way of their attacks.

Of course, we in the know know this analogy is ridiculous. For the Army kills people all the time, and George Tiller never killed anyone.

Unless you’re foolish enough to consider living, breathing nine-month-old babies as “anyone.”

Voter Fraud Okay [David Shyster]

The Justice Department yesterday okayed voter fraud when they told the state of Georgia that they cannot check the identification of voters at the polls.

Call me crazy, but I think Georgia’s gonna be turning blue.

Like, real soon.

Confidence [Rachel Meow]

The pathetic minions on the Right are all upset this morning that the Obama administration has put Brian Deese — a 31-year-old man with no administrative experience (automotive or otherwise) — in charge of shepherding General Motors through bankruptcy.

But I for one have great confidence in him.

After all, President Obama had no administrative experience, either — and look what a bang up job he’s doing.

First in Line [Arianna Haughtington]

Now that General Motors is officially in bankruptcy, I want to say that — as soon as they emerge (with the federal government owning 60%) — I will be first in line to buy a new car from them.

Not that I will drive it, mind you. But I will buy it.

We all will, one way or another.

Not So Bad [Andrew Sullyvan]

The Obama Administration — like its predecessor — is petitioning against the release of the 17 Chinese Uighers at Guantanamo Bay into the U.S., arguing that detention there isn’t so bad. In fact, they make a case that it’s almost pleasurable.

Isn’t that what we on the Left have been arguing for years now?

It’s not?

Well, then it’s a good thing Obama set us straight.

Cheers.

Consequences [David Shyster]

The Justice Department has dropped a civil complaint against three members of the New Black Panthers, who were caught on tape violating the 1965 Voting Rights Act, by intimidating voters last Election Day.

Actually, it wasn’t the Justice Department that dropped the complaint — it was the political appointees in the Justice Department, who overruled the career lawyers.

Well, as they say, elections have consequences.

100,000 [Rachel Meow]

President Obama boasted today that the stimulus has created or saved 100,000 jobs.

Of course, he offers no proof of this. Nor could he.

But it doesn’t matter. Just let the naysayers try to prove it to be otherwise.

Isn’t unfalsifiability great?

The Paper of Record [David Shyster]

The New York Times today glowingly endorsed the nomination of Judge Sonia Sotomayor.

Certainly, this endorsement has nothing to do with the fact that Sotomayor ruled in the Times‘ favor in New York Times v Tasini — a case that would’ve allowed the newspaper to steal the copyrights of freelance journalists, if it hadn’t been subsequently overruled by the Supreme Court.

Certainly.

Peace Later [Andrew Sullyvan]

Many of us supported Obama because of his promise to end the wars and bring the troops home.

Well, General George Casey, Army chief of staff, yesterday said that he plans to have combat troops in Iraq and Afghanistan for the next decade.

This is not bad news, though. For as President Obama once said he planned to be in power for ten years, he can still fulfill his pledge during his time in office.

Cheers.

Shame on You [Keith Ölbermensch]

Six members of the California Supreme Court shamed us all when they voted to sustain Proposition 8 — an initiative deemed by all advanced thinkers such as me as so incorrect that it can’t even be discussed politely.

And what was their pathetic defense for this betrayal?

Some nonsense about the Constitution.

If they were real jurists, they’d just make up laws — like the way the great Sonia Sotomayor has throughout her illustrious career.

These six need to apologize. Not only to the gay people of California, but to me.

And they need to do it on my show.

Finally [Maureen Dowager]

President Obama has just picked Sonia Sotomayor for the Supreme Court.

Whew.

For a moment there I thought Obama was planning to snub us, by not playing identity politics with the pick — especially when he said he felt no pressure to pick a woman.

Fortunately, he lied.

For not only did he pick her because she is a woman, he picked her because she’s an Hispanic woman: two important political demographics in one.

Also, Sotomayor is someone who’s previously stated that judges make policy, not legislators. So, we finally get an activist judge who’s not ashamed to admit that she’s activist.

It doesn’t get any better than this, folks.

P.S.: These are my own words.
P.P.S: I think.

Democracy Later [Arianna Haughtington]

Our dear friend Nancy Pelosi, who was an outspoken supporter of human rights in China whenever the Republicans were in power, is spending Memorial Day much like any other patriotic American, by toasting the commissars in Shanghai on the eve of the 20th anniversary of the Tiananmen Square massacre.

And she’s right to do so. For now that we are in power, we must think strategically, geopolitically — and even Machiavellianly.

Democracy can wait.

Call to Action [Rachel Meow]

In Copenhagen, former Vice-President Al Gore urged more than 500 Western business leaders to help bankrupt themselves, by supporting reductions on carbon emissions.

Even if such reductions do nothing for the environment, this is a worthy cause. Even if Asia ramps up their emissions to make up for our shortfall in production, this is a worthy cause. Even if it means financial ruin for us and our children, this is a worthy cause.

And if Gore’s successful, they should consider giving him another Nobel Peace Prize. Because they’ll be lots of peace across America.

91 Billion Reasons [Andrew Sullyvan]

It’s a darn good thing we finally rid ourselves of that war party.

Okay, so Senate Democrats just passed a $91.3 billion war bill. But this is completely different than the kind of money the Republicans habitually wasted on war and death.

Why, you ask?

Oh, just shut up and agree.